Dr. Laura Markham By
“What I start to feel anger is not only appropriate for the situation, but the old feelings took the past. And those feelings have nothing to do with my son or situation. They have come to I take a look at them they are part of me But they have no place in my relationship with my son have to do with me and the person who raised me “-…. Laura Davis and Janis Keyser
Life is full of emotions that do not have time to process at the time. And parenting is the hardest job there is. Children give us constant reminders of the places in us that need healing. So it’s no wonder that sometimes we just need a good cry. But who has time for that? Usually, we push those feelings away and the trend of what is next on the list.
So most of the time when we lose our children, that is because we have to carry a backpack full of emotions that we have not taken the time to process. Sometimes we are really angry with our boss, our partner or ourselves. Maybe we have old wounds that are activated by the behavior of our son. Or simply we are running our fuels anger and anxiety in our son.
Is it appropriate to get angry with your child? Well, it is inevitable, whether you are a human being. As a flashing light on the dashboard, anger is a sign that you need to deal with something so your engine does not overheat. But “fight or flight” makes the child is seen as the enemy, and his son is not the enemy. Whatever the guidance you need your child will be more effective if offered from a place of love. And the child can not feel your love, if you’re angry.
Most of the things that make you angry with your child not would be launched if they were not tired, running, afraid her son is becoming a stick of thankless golf, or worried about whether you are a good enough father.
To avoid splash our own anger, anxiety and other emotions to our children, we must be responsible with processing our feelings as they arise. How?
- Monitor your mood as the day progresses.
Be aware of your own heads welfare to most drama. Be alert when negative thoughts hijack your mind and send you to a downward spiral. Before he realized, it was collecting firewood – evidence that the other person is wrong ( “Who is believed to be ?!” ). enough firewood, and can not avoid a firestorm. Instead, stay on a positive trajectory: . “He is acting like a child because he is a child … .I do not sweat the small stuff” Most of the time, there is no reason you can not be in a good mood.
- Stop Stressing.
Stress is behind 80% of our outbursts. Even when something else is happening, stress is the cause of the explosion. And yet, the stress is partly a choice. If you really want to reduce the stress in your life, you can. Do not over-schedule. Do not try to do computer work or phone calls with the children present. Leave early for every appointment. Do not take children on errands that can not handle. Is it really worth the additional penalty sent a family cast?
- Nurture yourself.
Make a list of ways to nurture yourself, even as you are with your family. Grab a cup of tea. Look out the window and actually see the tree or the sky. While cooking or washing dishes or cleaning the dirty face, take a deep breath and bring yourself fully present in the moment. Above all, they are talking to himself, always, like their estimated that deserves constant encouragement. As Anne Lamott says, “Self-love is 80 percent of the solution … help beyond words to make yourself throughout the day as you would with your mental patient relative of dearer far humor and lots of goodies. “ you deserve a father like that … so keep your own!
- If you feel angry, opposite the source .
You can fire your boss or leave your four years at the mall? Ok, you can not change the other person, but can often change conditions. Make a plan to avoid a repeat of any set that out. Better yet, the more you follow the steps 1, 2 and 3 above, more will approach every interaction with emotional generosity. When changing what they bring to the interaction, the other person always changes too.
- make healing a priority.
Resist the urge to take action when you’re upset. Instead, love yourself through your discomfort: . “Breathe’s just sadness Go ahead and mourn’ll feel better soon…” just breathe and accept sorrow or pain is the best way to let those feelings move through you and dissipate. Otherwise, Fend often acting with anger. So do not ignore your own discomfort. Schedule an hour later to write in your journal or talk to a trusted friend, someone who does not feel the need to solve the problem, but can simply listen with compassion to feel heard and can sort things out for yourself . Or make an appointment with a counselor. When we do not deal with our own pain, we always visit others.
When you were a child who deserves to be loved and accepted, complete with all their feelings and desires drawbacks. You deserve infinite tenderness. Still he does. Why not start giving yourself right now?
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Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Parents peaceful, happy brothers: How to stop the fight and raise Friends for Life and Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids :. How to stop screaming and Start Connecting Find her online at AhaParenting.com